.Thursday, February 08, 2007 ' 8:59 PM Y
i dun wanna do this anymore, i dun wanna be the reason why, everytime i look at the door..i wanna LEAVE!! i dun wanna get hurt...i'm not a murderer, i dun wanna be a murderer , and i am not the type of person you think..Having said so much, i dunno where to start my speech from.. Many things happened recently, just this year, bits and pieces. I hope i was just being oversensitive, but things were just so different from last year. I am totally aware that our friendship had somehow changed, but i chose to ignore, coz i don't want to blow up the matter. I know that it may be my fault, i may have done something wrong, but the whole world knows except me. I remained oblivious and unaware of the surrounding changes, till now... Its been two weeks, being so lonely and miserable. I have been questioning myself the past few days, what have i done wrong, did i really offend anyone. If it was really so, please tell me, i'm really sorry. These two days were a bit better, but we were not like last time..somehow..I'm glad that i was able to survive these two weeks. But it was really bad for me. I have been chanting hard, hoping for the better. Thanks to junwei for consoling me, which then allowed me to regain my faith in myself. I am sure that i have no intention of hurting anyone. The friendship had somehow broken off, but i am still clinging on to it, leaving it unmend. Like what junwei said, i shld do something abt it..i've tried, and i am still trying my very outmost best..dear has been away for a month, and yet so many things can happen in this particular month. I then realised that i need him a lot, apart from my parents' love and care. why why why??? I felt bad when he contact me every saturday, especially these two weeks. I had very much wanted to tell him about my "serious problem" that i mentioned to him. I dun wanna spoil his mood, i know that he is doing well in army, i want him to maintain this until he is out of camp. I was desperately looking for somehow who can lend me his/her listening ear, and also to give me some suggestions. But i apparently i found only one, despite the fact i have a number of close friends around me. I am always fully occupied by different cliques of friends during the weekends. I felt so blissed sometimes, but sometimes not when i thought of the pillar which supported me for a year, had fallen apart. Last week, i mention to him abt this "serious problem", and i left him so worried for me. I cried after sms-ing him abt that problem. Not because i missed him to much, but because i knew that i hurt him again. Last week, he called me..he wanted to know what i was doing recently. I din say much, and i din make him happy either..the phone just hung up automatically when the prepaid card was used up. It happened twice already, and i always felt pain and "she bu de" when it auto hang up. I understand it is not easy for him to contact in army and yet he still take all the trouble, find all means to contact me, either via sms or on the phone. Despite of that, i still scolded him two weeks just because of my mood swing. I know that i shld'nt be doing that, but what has been done cannot be undone..I felt so lousy all of a sudden..i'm lousy friend, lousy daughter, lousy student, and last but not least, a lousy girlfriend.2006 was really a great year, and i missed that year a lot..the times when we were good, the times when dear tried to cheer me up, the times when all of us had so much fun, the times when i looked forward to school....In conclusion, things have changed, and you have certainly changed too..when will my botak head be able to go out with me again, like last time?? i miss you.missing you like maddd right nowww....
