.Friday, March 02, 2007 ' 9:30 PM Y
I'm numbed. I felt really sad, i could really feel the pain in my heart, but yet i was unable to cry out all my sorrows. I tried forcing myself to cry them all out, but i just simply can't. But today, it was not the case anymore. I witness the released of the a level results, and got back my horrible chinese results at the same time. Today really made a difference for me. I suddenly feel that i am so different from last time, my lifestyle seems to have changed completely. I am not my usual self anymore. And today, i finally broke down. Yes, i cried non stop, not because of the horrible results, but i could not accept the fact that i was struck by many obstacles recently. And they all come one after another, non stop! I need a break!! Please spare me from all these miserable stuffs!! I want to get on with my life!!
I was always a happy going girl. 2006 was my best year. I had a bunch of friends whom i trust a lot. I made a lot of friends at the same time. And i get to gain a lot of new experiences, which are going to be useful in my life. I get to know my mu gua. We started off being super close friends. My friendship with him was perfect. As days gone by, we proceed on and got into a relationship. He was so dear to me. And he made me feel so bliss. I felt so secured with him. I thought my life had gone up to a higher level. Although we quarreled many times, we still stand strong together and we were just like before. I was so busy with my friends at the same time. I have completely no fear of being left alone. I enjoyed schooling. In fact, i looked forward in coming to school everyday, last year. My november and december holidays were marvelous!
Then here comes 2007. It started off horrible, even at the first night of the year. It was really a bad start. Then my mu gua left for ns on his birthday. And so i tried to adapt to the days without him. I eventually succeeded. In january, i met a serious friendship problem with my clique of besties. I relied on them a lot in school. They are like pillars in my daily school lives. They turned away from me suddenly. I tried to tell some of my friends, but only one kind soul responded to me and gave me some constructive advices. My friendship problem was eventually solved in three weeks time. Then in february, I though i was supposed to be happy, coz my mu gua is about to come out camp soon, and we can be like last time, the days that i had been longing for after he went into ns. But i din expect myself to meet with relationship problems. And it ended so abruptly with a break up. He told me some stuffs that night..and those words really hurt me deeply. Till now, i still remember exactly how he sounded that very night. I remembered how he said thank you to me that night after i agreed on the breakup. He mentioned the break up twice, and i only cried once. I thought i was strong enough.
Then today, i got back my horrible chinese result when all my seniors hold their results tight in their arms in joy. Yes, the dragon badge did well. I supposed jackson did well too. Then i felt so different all of a sudden. Is like...he is finally going to finish his ns soon, his results are supposedly good (which is a great relief to him), and he has finally got out of this relationship (this relationship which hurts him a lot) He is finally break free. Free to start off anew. And i am still stuck in my jc life, struggling for my As, and also being not able to get over with this relationship yet.
Many things just happened and ended all of a sudden. Till now, i still do not know the real reason behind them yet. I felt so lost and scared, really. Its so terrible that i dun even know where i am standing.I have lost my sense of direction. Everyone seems to achieved or gotten what they want. But i am still stuck in my wonderland, resembling a fool! Making a fool out of myself while all the bad things kept striking me, one by one.
Well, this is how bad i am feeling at the moment. All these things left me speechless, in tears. I know my prioties. This year is indeed my important year, a year when i should shine and show out my potential. But how do you expect me to carry on at this point of time? I thought i was a tough girl, strong enough to surcome any obstacles. But i failed terribly. Look at me now in this horrible state, then you will fully understand. I am like a pinball, being pushed around, being subjected to fate.
Yes i cried today, and the situation was quite bad. I even cried when my mum asked me about my results. And guess what was the first statement she made? " Girl, do you have some other stuffs that are bothering you, for example relationship? I know you wun cry just purely because of results." See, even my mum can tell even though i never tell her anything at all. These two months were really horrible.
But despite of that, i had a few friends around me who supported me all the way when they knew about my problems somehow or another, and i really wanna thank them. Let me introduce these kind peeps!! hmm...they are marcus!! pearly!! junwei!! nataniel!! sandy!! peiling!! soohuey!! and also da mu gua for being so caring to me although we are friends now. hey, these words are really from my bottom of my heart yea!
Its the bits and pieces of bad things that are hurting me. Right now, i only hope that when mu guas reunite, we will still maintain a close friendship like how we were last time before we got together, and also to gain back my confidence in my studies to prepare myself for my a levels. I hope he will still support me all the way. He is the only person i trust most besides my family.
I feel like running away from wherever i am now and not come back....i wanna leave..
